September 4, 2001

     So how did it get to be September so quickly?  And the chill in the air this morning was a really good indicator that one of these days i'll be searching for the flannel sheets again.  Probably sooner than i want to.

     i got called back to the never ending temp job.  Flattering in one way, but a bit frustrating too, since because of my lack of linguistic abilities re: speaking French, they can't hire me on full time for the position i'm actually doing.  Which is very weird, since i am in fact, doing the job.  Ah well, a few more pennies for the piggy bank anyway.

     i'd love for it to stretch over the next two months however.  At the beginning of November the wedding i want to go to (out of the country) is being held.  i'm very determined to get there - and starting a new job a few weeks before would not be a good way to have this happen.  The never ending temp job people asked me if i could stay for this month, so maybe it will stretch into two and everything will work out perfectly.  They even gave me a key this time!

     Himself and i have been having brief chats about keeping the D/s  flowing more smoothly during this time around the working world.  We both have agreed that we are perfect procrastinators, which doesn't help matters.  So being more diligent is a recognized necessity - and one of the things we want to be diligent about is having at least one D/s type night per week.  The modern day vanilla couple's 'date' night.  And it doesn't have to be a full blown scene or anything - even just a night where He decides everything i do the minute i walk in the door - what i'm wearing and where i'm sitting and etc.  That would work hugely for me.  Heh.  In my version of reality, it sounds like a night of pampering.  

      The hard part is that because i'm the one gone at least 9 hours of the day, everyday - planning this weekly D/s night basically gets tossed on His lap.  Which for the most part, does suit the dominant ego quite nicely - but i'm thinking that once in awhile if i plan an evening (weekends i wouldn't be so tired), that He'd really like it.  

     i did have evidence this morning that our discussing the whole issue was a very good thing to do.  Just as we were leaving (He gave me a ride, yeah!) Himself turned me brusquely around and grabbed at the hem of my skirt.  As He hiked it up over my butt, mumbling something about "let's get things starting off right here...",  i thought He was checking to make sure i wasn't wearing panties.  But no!  He grabbed the small switch that we keep in a vase on the dining table, bent me over and treated me to a nice round of stinging smacks. 

      Maybe i shouldn't refer to it as a treat - that might deter Him next time.  

      And the neighbours think that switch is some kind of farm thing.  Hah!

      So i floated quite nicely out the door, and squirmed a bit in the chair when i got to work.  Perfect.     

      It's not been all hearts and flowers around here though.  In fact, we've had a few words with each other lately, which i think is stemming from a whole lot of personal anxieties.  

      His anxieties are most likely coming from the fact that work has been dire this year.  Not just for Him, but for the majority of the people in the industry.  Thank gawd i have never had the desire to be an actor.  i honestly believe i would crumble under the pressure of it.  That pressure being the constant worry about when the next job comes along (i fret in between temp jobs now, even though i know they will be there!) and the pressure of going to auditions and not knowing if you get the part or not. 

     And most of the time it is 'not'.  The director or producer have an idea of the face they are looking for and if yours isn't it ... well hasta la vista baby.  i couldn't handle that level of rejection.  He says it doesn't really feel like that to Him, that actors get past that feeling - but i don't think i would.  Sheesh.  i cried after the last job interview that i lost.  

     my anxieties are usually from worrying about Him. And about us.  i believe (and He's probably going to slay me for this one) that in a lot of ways He's a more sensitive person than i am.  Maybe i'm tougher because of how i grew up - or maybe it's from all those years hanging out with nefarious type people - but i seem to be better able to put up a wall.  He can pretend He's put up that wall of ice - but i've learned to see right inside those big brown's of His - and there's no ice in there.  Just somebody really sensitive.

     i think it's probably because He's incredibly creative and very intelligent as well.  (No this is NOT a 'my perfect Master' post - i am not gaga and blithering with hero worship *g*)  It just seems that people like Him ... well, think more.  Or something.  And it often makes me feel really stupid in comparison.  In the middle of a nice weeping session the other morning i told Him that.

     He wanted to know why.  And i tried to explain.  He remembers everything.  He can quote stuff that He learned 30 years ago.  How the heck does somebody remember all the names of those cloud formations anyway?  He's better educated than i am - He was raised to value His mind.  i missed all that.  And it's the major reason why i don't get into deep discussions in large groups.  i'm afraid my lack of education will show.

     i just really believe He's a lot smarter than me.

     In a lot of ways i know i'm not stupid.  But when people stand around discussing world things, or even kibbitz with each other about things that Shakespeare wrote that i've never even heard about - that's when the 'stupid' kicks in.  So i try to listen and learn.  At least i know who Shakespeare is. It doesn't feel very good though.

     i know i'm smart in a lot of ways.  i can learn things - i like to learn things.  But i only retain the things that i do repetitively.  Well except perhaps for my speech - i know my vocabulary has increased just from living with this man!

     i guess i've kind of wandered off from whatever the heck the point i was trying to make was.  But one point that has become clear to me from living with Himself, and watching Him with His daughter - and speaking with His brothers and mother - is how important it is to value your mind.

     If i had a chance to raise my children again - i think that would be the first thing i taught them.

     It's more than a little bit important.      

                

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