September 29, 2001

     i've got another job interview.  i am so not looking forward to it - in fact i'm feeling discouraged already and out of my league since it's for a rather large company and i'll be interviewed by a young and vibrant female who's in the first blush of her career.  i just want something solid and dependable, with med benefits, that i can stay at for the next 20 years!  Why does it feel like i should be opting for the dusty old office at the corner of the residential neighbourhood instead?  

     Do i really want to be still working when i'm 65?  Ick.

     So in a perfect world i sometimes mess up.  And when i do, i usually go right to the top of the heap of mess ups.  It's been a long week.  That's my excuse and i'm sticking to it.

     Yesterday during all the turmoil of finding out that my friend j fanangled a job interview for me and the many phone calls involved to have Himself email a resume to her for me (amazing how email communication is still dependant on the age old telephone - course all this phoning just underlined the fact that i really need a cell phone now), my lunch date called with the bad news that she was running really late.  We had to cancel our sushi appointment.  Alternative arrangements were made for next week though, so that's cool.

     Anyway, the rest of the day remained as hectic as possible, most of it spent typing French policies.  Which is not always a fun thing when one if "French-challenged" so to speak.  And it didn't help that my sleep the night before was fraught with nightmares.  (Did you know you can actually hear loud swooshing sounds in your ears when the martians are coming to get you?  Himself had to hold me down.)  So by the time i escaped the office and found my way home i was exhausted.  

     Himself had had a fairly productive day but wasn't in the mood to be cooking and decided we should go out for dinner.  For ... sushi.  And even though i'd promised K that i would save my appetite for it for our rescheduled lunch date, there wasn't a chance that i was going to turn down this opportunity, especially since it was at my favourite restaurant.  (i'm sure my appetite will be ready for round two by monday!)  So, off we went, but not before Himself told me to bring along the day cuffs.  (Did i mention how tired i was?)

     So i carried them in my hand all the way to the restaurant, yet He didn't ask for them.  Once we were seated, i tucked them into my purse.  Then a few minutes later He asked for them.  i was suffering a mixture of being really touched that He was doing this for me, feeling my headspace start to float, and feeling my body just not have enough energy to get into it very much.  Not good combinations at all.  

     i held out my left wrist and as He was attaching the first links, i asked if it would be okay if i only had one side on during dinner.  i asked nicely.  i said please a lot and there was a tone of begging in my voice - at least to my ears there was.  He declined, smiling happily at me and saying it wasn't as much fun that way.  But the way He worded it, i could tell He meant the fun for me ... not just for Him.  He was genuinely trying to do something really nice for me - and my head just wasn't going there.  And i really need to find that space if we are going to be doing anything in public.

     Once the cuffs were on, i stopped talking.  i couldn't say anything.  i placed my hands on my lap and left them there.  i was upset that He'd ignored my request.  i was mortified that we were in a public place where attention might be brought to me.  i was just too tired!  And i kept remembering our anniversary when He'd done the exact same thing and how delighted i'd been.  Guilt kicked in.  This was exactly what i'd been asking for when suggesting our 'd/s nights'.  i was the one that was constantly saying that all i need is the cuffs - or a hand on my throat, etc. to keep me in the space we both like me to be.

     In a funny kind of way, His decision to keep them on me was one of the most dominant things He's done in a long time, and i struggled with it hugely.  It underlined the dynamics of our D/s better than any cane or flogger ever could.  He couldn't have done anything more effective if He'd tried - i don't think He even realized how effective it was.  And i think we've allowed too much time to pass - it's been two months since the last time i wore them - so we've gotten away from some of the depth of our D/s.  We've gotten away from some of the more demanding things like total obedience in fact, so it's not just the wearing of cuffs that i am speaking about here.  But right then, i still  had to get my head back to that spot - and in a subtle way this was showing me in no uncertain terms that He is still the dominant.  

     i got there.  It took a bit of working through, but i could feel myself shifting back into that 'space' and the comfort that comes along with it.  In a past life i'd have been bitchy and vocal in my insistence that i wasn't in the mood - but that wasn't an option here.  i felt my shoulders loosen - relax - and i began talking again - slowly, but He'd asked what was wrong and i knew then that i had to try.  i pulled the sleeves of my sweater down over the cuffs and tucked some of the chain inside before reaching for things - and checked to make sure no one was watching, but i still started functioning again.  He was sweet and poured the sake for me, which i was enormously grateful for.  We started to enjoy each other again.

     i think He knew that we weren't going to get much further last night however.  And that while i was trying, i wasn't becoming hugely comfortable.  When dinner arrived He asked for one of my wrists and undid that one side, wrapping the remainder of the chain around the opposite wrist and fastening it.  i thanked Him.  Genuinely grateful.  And when we got home later on, i asked if i could keep the cuffs on.  i still have them on, wrapped around my left wrist, as i type this.

     i'm still feeling bad though.  i think i hurt Him a bit, and definitely disappointed Him - especially since all He was doing was exactly what i've been asking for.  And hopefully He was doing something that He wants more of as well.

     And D/s or not, i think it was a good demonstration of how dangerously easy it is to lose track of the most important thing between a couple - the dynamics of their relationship and everything that makes it work.

     So i did mess up.  But i wonder how much, and if it's really messing up if something valuable was learned?  Y'know, living with someone is hard work ... living with them and really concentrating on making it the best relationship possible is even harder work.  Toss in a power exchange and it's a triple whammy.  But in the end, i think it's worth it. 

      Gone to kiss the big guy ...

                

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