October 12, 2001

    i know the last entry is not accessible.  i can't show it yet since i'm afraid to jinx things. What it talks about is directly affecting me, and my future at the moment and, call me crazy ... or superstitious, but i'm not willing to risk it.

     Life has been upside down over easy scrambled and insane.  Interview after interview with yet more wanky HR questions.  Which i'm getting through ... and ... i'm surviving.  Men doing the interviewing though.  Bonus.

     More on all this later when i find out if it's good or bad.  It's hard to describe without that qualification.

     In the adventure category ... Himself has been interested in exploring my bi-curious, can-i-be-dominated-by-a-woman, side.  Which i've basically resisted so far.  i'm not convinced this is a place i want to go to.. or need to go to.

     So when i found myself being flogged by Himself while held in the arms of a woman last week, i was more than a bit disconcerted.  Yet it was a really, really nice experience.  

     It started as a nice brunch visit.  But then evolved into a major gab-fest and extended visit.  Over dinner.  And then she brought out a wonderful massage oil and worked on my constantly stressed neck.  Yum.  Sometime during the process, Himself brought out knives and ran them over my body.  And then i was kissing her.  

     It was pretty weird.  And very nice.  All at the same time.  No major barriers were crossed .. just hugging and cuddling.  Himself found a few toys and used them appropriately ... and i was allowed to keep my tummy covered (thank gawd!  .. yay and verily and all that nonsense, but i can't get past the point of detesting my gut).  But still, it was absolutely one of the nicest evenings we've spent in a very long time. 

     Yet the bottom line was ... i trusted a woman with my well being.  i trusted her to not take advantage, but still offer hugs and warmth.  We'd talked earlier and i'd expressed some of my insecurities... but she expressed some of hers as well.  And i wasn't asked to cross barriers.. i was allowed to push my own ideas.... it was all just a very positive experience.

     Yes, i kissed her.  i enjoyed her for who she is.  i didn't go further than that... but i feel like we made a bond of closeness that is unique to us.  And that's cool.  i believe we reached an understanding of appreciation for each other that transcends D/s or bdsm.. or anything else life tosses at us. i don't know if i'd really travel down the 'bi' road yet, or ever ... but i'm more curious now about the domination aspect.  i think it might help me get over the less attractive residual affects of my domineering mother.  Help me understand the differences between domineering and domination from a woman.  And that might lead to being able to trust women more.  i can only hope.

     i almost didn't include the above in here.  Mostly because i know there are a few people who will read it and go 'huh? you are kissing girls now?'  And will probably be horrified.  But when Himself asked me if i was going to write about it and i initially said no, because of the readers, He called me on it.  He basically said something to the effect of; 'are you writing for yourself or your readership?'  Got me on that one.  

     If i'm going to stay true to myself - and use this journal to really express what's happening in my life, then i guess i have to include all of it.  If i start editing because i'm worried about reader reactions, then it would seem like i was editing 'me'.  

     And i spent too many years doing exactly that - worrying about how people will react to me, and worring that they will think bad of me ... just for being who i am.  i've learned to get past a lot of that - it would not be healthy to go backwards now.  So i can't edit.

     i guess it's kind of like a movie script.  Snipped away until there's only a shell of the real story left.  Suddenly that story is boring.  So maybe it's better to leave all the bumps and blips and warts in.  Then just sit back and enjoy the show.

                

    PS:  i love it when i find perfect quotes!

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